Hairy Chamberpots
by TwoAsiansAndABrit
Summary: Hairy Chamberpots mysteriously defeated the evil wizard Waldywarts, and should be famous. Instead, he's living with his horrible aunt and uncle and their pet pig Dolly. But can Hairy break out from this miserable life full of mud and dog-food? Maybe, just maybe, he's meant to be something more than just the boy who lives in an airing cupboard?


**-Chapter One-**

Mr. and Mrs. Durney of number three hundred and four, Pretzel Drive, were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were never involved in anything at all queer, as they simply didn't put up with such nonsense.

Mr. Durney was a dog food taster, and each day he would taste a new brand of dog food before it reached the dogs' mouths. At first, he had started with great disgust for the job; yet he had grown to love dog food very much, so much that he often asked his wife to serve it for dinner. Mr. Durney was very small and skinny, with a small wispy goatee and extremely wide eyes. His wife, Nettle Durney was a large, beefy woman with a six-pack and narrow, piggish eyes. She had no work (As she had been fired from her job as a football coach for attacking a student) and often would be seen lazing on the couch at home, watching football and shouting pointlessly at the television. The Durneys had a small pet pig named Dolly (Despite him being male) and they were pleased to announce he was the finest pig anywhere. The Durneys were extremely happy with their life of dog-food and cleaning up Dolly's messes… but one thing always irked them. The Durneys always tried to ignore this small annoyance, but it was always hovering in the back of their minds. You see, Nettle Durney's mother's cousin's daughter's best friend's fiancée's dentist's chiropractor's brother's daughter Illi and her husband Jamsie were odd, and completely unDurneylike and nettle would often pretend she didn't know these people and their small son, Hairy. They never went over and brought Dolly, because they didn't want Dolly sniffing a child like that. Thus, even when rumors spread about Hairy, the Durneys kept their nose in the air and ignored it all, continuing with tasting dog food and hooting at television screens.

It was extremely dark, but not dark enough for the man that strode confidently across Pretzel Drive. He fumbled in his deep purple robe for a moment, pulling out what seemed to be a tin of sardines. He raised it importantly, but it slipped from his worn fingers and smashed against the ground. Scowling fiercely now, he stepped across someone's lawn and stared at their porch. A pumpkin, vibrant orange, rested against the railing and the man smiled warmly. "So glad you could join me, Professor Macdonaldgull."

He raised his eyes to the star speckled sky, and then returned it to the pumpkin. Where the orange vegetable had once been stood a woman. She stood loosely, with her blonde hair tumbling to her shoulders and crossed her arms. "How did you know it was me?" she pouted, and the man smiled again. "I've never seen a pumpkin sit so stiffly."

"That doesn't even make any sens~" Professor Macdonaldgull paused, and raised an eyebrow at the man. "Okay, Professor Dumdeedore. Whatever."

"Would you care for a radish?" Invited Dumdeedore kindly.

"A... radish?"

"Yes, a radish. I find myself obsessing over them lately." Professor Dumdeedore frowned slightly and placed the radish in his robe pocket, where it promptly fell out again. While he grubbed about on the ground to get it and Macdonaldgull watched him carefully. "Is the rumors— _true?" _

Dumbledore straightened up and gazed somberly at his fellow teacher. "It's true. I'm afraid _Blockbusters _has shut down and we cannot buy _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Two_." He closed his eyes in anguish.

Macdonaldgull gasped. "Blockbusters… I can't believe it… I don't want to believe it…" She stifled a sorrow-choked sob and dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. Dumdeedore patted her on the shoulder, his voice breaking. "It's terrible. So, so terrible."

"I have one other rumor I must confirm, a less important one. I heard… Waldywarts has been defeated…by little Hairy Chamberpots." Dumdeedore shrugged casually.

"I think so... and I think Hagridd is bringing the little boy here to stay with his distant… family."

"_Here? _But they're horrible… I won't let you… I won't let you…"

"FLYING FISH!" Yelled Dumdeedore and Macdonaldgull turned sharply to see.

At that moment, Dumdeedore picked up a rock and threw it at Macdonaldgull's head.

"You won't let me do what?"

"What?"

"Exactly."

**Definitely NOT my best work…. Don't be hatin', I LOVE Harry Potter and I'm not making fun of it in a spiteful way, I'm just spoofing it because I was bored. Want more? REVIEW!**


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